Episode One - The Night the Bells Donged Twice

THE NIGHT THE BELLS DONGED TWICE

When two men realize they have to do the unthinkable in order to start thinking again, the beginning is only... the beginning

Chapter One (1) : Prologue

The dusk had given way to night.

The night was giving way to more night when it happened. From where the sun had set only hours ago, planes flew through the sky like night hawks. Night hawks on the hunt. Hunting for what?

Answer: two men.

Two men so dangerous and cunning that foxes weren’t sly enough to out-sly or out-cunning them. Their names?

Answer: Curtis, AKA Slade and Ryan, AKA Moonchops.

Through the night they ran from the night hawk-like planes. Their mission?

Answer: critical. So critical and sensitive that they didn’t know what it was, only that they would know what to do when they got there. Where?

Answer: unknown. And thusly they began.

Chapter Two (2) : The real Chapter One (1)

Their guns were super-sweet. Their training was more top notch than even ninjas or most Navy SEALs. Their minds as sharp as a knife that can cut through raw steak like it were butter.

Slade and Moonchops hid under a tree and ate apples. The night hawk-like planes flew overhead at least twenty times, each time getting closer to their target than the time before. And so it went.

After each had eaten three apples and had sips of water they decided to move out. It was the only thing they could do. A few more passes and the night hawk-like planes would discover them. Then the real trouble would begin.

Slade was in the lead but grew tired of running. Moonchops was skilled in the ancient Native American art of sleep-running, so he didn’t grow tired. Slade looked at Moonchops and said: “Let’s blast a few of these bedraggled buzzards so we can breathe like beautiful free birds. Cool?”

Moonchops awoke upon sensing he was being spoken to and said: “What?”

Slade said: “I said: let’s blast a few of these bedraggled buzzards so we can breathe like beautiful free birds. Cool?”

“What does ‘bedraggled’ mean?” Moonchops asked.

“Let my gun show you.” Slade said in response to Moonchops’ question.

And with that, Slade and Moonchops lit up the night sky in a flurry or firepower fury as they mowed down night hawk-like plane after night hawk-like plane. Each being shot to death worse than the last. It was as if the dusk, which had given way to night, which had in turn given way to more night, had finally given way to less night, and finally, what comes after night.

Dawn.

When they were finally surrounded by the burning husks of shotten down night hawk-like planes, each more shot than the last, Slade and Moonchops ate powdered eggs and made instant coffee. It was the best meal they’d had since they started this mission almost four hours ago.

And there was still so much more to come.

So much more.

Chapter Three (3) : The Bad Guys’ Introduction

“Whosoever shooteth my night hawk-like planes down must in turn be shot just as they have shot my night hawk-like planes. I command it be done so.”

General Screecher said as he stood in front of his Chiefs of Staff. “And I command it be done so at least twice as badly as they have doneth. If we can do it worse, so be it. Do it that way.”

The five other men, one woman and the black midget all looked at each other and let their fear show in their eyes to each other like children caught stealing candy by adults who could punish them.

“But General,” Chief of Staff Number One (1) said in a voice as timid as any scared-y cat, “they were shot down by… gulp… Slade and Moonchops.”

At the names of our two heroes our villains all gasped. General Screecher tried his best to contain his gasp but even he gasped in the end. He was afraid of this.

“I was afraid of this.” He said.

“We were also afraid of this.” Said Chief of Staff Number Seventeen (17). It is important to point out there were once more Chiefs of Staff, but through the years various ones were killed battling Slade and Moonchops. Also, others died from natural causes like Chiefs of Staff Eight (8) and Thirty-seven (37). And Chief of Staff One-hundred and Sixty-six (166) died in a car crash, which isn’t technically natural.

“Well then, sendeth Hulu-Pants to the shootings site and have him worketh such a hunt frometh there.” General Screecher said. His Chiefs of Staff all agreed to do so.

“We agree.” They said. The black midget called Hulu-Pants and gave the order. Hulu-Pants agreed.

“I agree.” Hulu-Pants said, agreeing to his order from General Screccher that the black midget told him.

Hulu-Pants went and got there when his plane landed and his rental car got him to the shootings site. So the real hunt began.

Chapter Four (4) : How the Battle Began and Ended in Victory for Slade and Moonchops

Hulu-Pants drew his pretty sweet but not super-sweet gun and fired at Slade and Moonchops, who had taken a break shortly after eating their eggs and coffee. They were asleep under another tree; this one shaded them better from any future night hawk-like planes than the last one where they were almost discovered eating apples.

Hulu-Pants was a better knife-fighting man than a gun-fighting man, so his shot went wild and instead hit a goose dead in the face.

“If only that shot hit either Slade or Moonchops.” Hulu-Pants said as he shot again. By now Slade and Moonchops were awake and being shot at. They moved. Hulu-Pants wound up hitting a rock off in the distance. He dropped the gun and drew a knife.

“I might not be able to shot you two in the face like I did that goose but with a knife I’m a better fighter and I will stab you in the face.” Hulu-Pants said.

Knife in hand, he ran at Slade and Moonchops. But our heroes drew their guns from a safe distance and shot Hulu-Pants in his own face, each shot worse than the last until he died from all his face-bullets.

Slade stood over Hulu-Pants and said: “That’s how we scramble eggs in our neck of the woods.” Then he shot Hulu-Pants again, this time in the back of the face.

Moonchops woke up, having fought the entire fight in the art of sleep fighting. He said: “What?”

Slade, in response to Moonchops’ earlier question, replied: “I said: that’s how we scramble eggs in our neck of the woods.”

“Yeah!” Moonchops said. Then he shot a second goose in the face just to show the dead Hulu-Pants guy how it’s done.

“Now, onto the secret mission.” Slade said.

“Yeah.” Moonchops said, in agreement with what Slade had just said.

And so they did.

Chapter Five (5) : How the West Was Won Again, but this time from General Screecher and not Indians or whatever

“Let’s do this! Operation: Winning the West back but From Different People This Time commencing!” Slade said as they stormed General Screecher’s Palace of Fortitude.

General Screecher’s Chiefs of Staff-including the woman but not the black midget-grabbed their guns and started shooting. Slade and Moonchops shot them all in their faces except Chief of Staff Number Four-thousand, Two-hundred and Eighty-one (4281) who was accidentally shot in the asshole by the woman Chief of Staff because she couldn’t handle the recoil of the weapons. Her wrists were weak.

He died from his asshole wound five days later in a hospital.

Slade and Moonchops found General Screecher and said: “Tell us where the base you built on Mars is and we’ll let you live for another day!”

General Screecher said: “I started to build one but the fuel cost was eating into my profit margin so much that I stopped the building and instead built a secret underground nuclear blaster base under Paris!”

“We didn’t ask about any secret underground nuclear blaster base under Paris! Tell us about Mars!”

General Screecher said: “But I just did! I told you everything! Seriously!”

“Fine. Have it your way.” Moonchops said and drew his gun, which he had put away after shooting up the Chiefs of Staff, each worse than the last until they were all dead.

“Maybe this will help you talk!” And he shot General Screecher in his face and his asshole. He didn’t die right then, but he wished he had.

“Good work Moonchops. That’ll teach him.” Slade said.

They left. Walking into the sunset they high-fived (5) and shouted: “Operation: Winning the West back but From Different People This Time accomplished!!!!!!!”

Chapter Six (6) : Epilogue, which means after it’s over

Slade and Moonchops, now safely back in America, ate burgers and hung out. They cleaned their weapons and waited for the next mission. And until it arrived, they would be ready.

THE END

* no black midgets were meant to be insulted by the telling of this story. It could have been any midget; this one just happened to be black. The content of his character, although admittedly evil, was what counted.